The Twenty-Six Letters of The How-To-Kill-Celica Alphabet
by Amethyst Blackquill
Summary: Celica? Ooooooohhhhhh nooooooooooooooo...
1. Letter A

**Warning/Disclaimer: This is a Crack-Fanfiction.**

 **This means that this contains off-the-wall humour that is not meant to make for a serious plot in any way at the expense of a character or characters. The writer emphasises that this Fanfiction is for comedy and entertainment purposes only.**

 **With this in mind, it's also important that this also means that with the nature of parody/crack Fanfictions, it'll contain a complete and utter disregard of faithfulness towards the characters in question as well as others that may take part at having fun at the expense of said characters.**

 **That being said, the writer means no ill-will towards the creators of the target characters, the characters themselves, or the people who like the character in question.**

 **One final warning is that people who like the characters in question should click off the story as it is their final chance to do so.**

 **From this point forward, anybody who calls out the writer even after taking the time to see this warning will not have their feedback taken seriously, and therefore, is liable to be screenshotted for their audience's amusement.**

 **With no further delay, thank you for your patience, and the author hopes you'll enjoy the jokes at face value.**

* * *

 **A – Annoying**

It was chaos! The most annoying thing in the world was in the Red Devil's!

It was...

It was...

CELICA A. MERCURY!

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!" She called out.

"No! No! No! I can't take it! I wish I can run as fast as I can but I'm stuck in this clunk of metal!" The Red Devil, Iron Tager said in a sheer panic, unable to run fast enough from the annoying monster in human form.

"HEY YOOOOOU!" She called out to him from behind in her annoying squeaky voice.

"Y-Yes?!" He squawked, unable to turn himself around to look at the annoying chick.

"Why is everyone avoiding me?" Celica said in a completely ditzy and childish voice.

"We all keep trying to tell you!" The Red Devil said in a futile attempt to get away, "It's because you are annoying!"

"Annoying?" She asked as she "innocently" put a finger on her cheek in a puzzled manner, "I just don't understand that!"

That was it. The Red Devil was getting red hot in the face, "That's it. If you can't understand it, then I'll MAKE you understand it!"

The Red Devil pushed a button and suddenly...

THEY WERE IN THE WWE! Inside the arena, in all its flashy glamour and glory!

Thea annoying girl Celica gave out a high-pitched gasp, "Wh-Where are we?!"

The girl had no idea where she was. She was in a ring with the Red Devil, with everybody booing. Celica wondered what they were booing at, but then they saw signs. All throughout the arena, the signs read stuff like...

 **"CELICA SUCKS!"**

 **"She was born in hell!"**

 **"GO KILL YOURSELF, CELICA!"**

There was no way she could believe all this. She was actually what she thought was a living hell... In front of her was someone dubbed the "Red Devil", after all.

 **Another brief flash...**

Tager then, without warning, grabbed Celica, spun around and made Celica vomit from motion sickness. Then, he throws her up (No pun intended) high in the air, and then did a rocket jump to get to her height.

Then, with one hand, the Red Devil caught her with one hand, and then fell down with her toward the ground with godspeed, and then SLAMED her onto the ground with over a ton of force!

Somehow, the wrestling ring managed to stay whole!

The audience fell silent at first, but then applauded the Red Devil for his accomplishment because the referee said...

"THE WINNER IS THE RED DEVIL: IRON TAGER VIA TECHNICAL K.O! Not Knockout but Killoff! Celica A. Mercury is completely dead! For his feat, we shall crown him as the Celica A. Mercury-Killer Champion!"

The Red Devil smiled. Not because he won a title that was thought of to be impossible, but it was because he was FREE! FREE OF THAT annoying, crazy-ass bitch at last!

Years later, the Red Devil was inducted into the Hall of Fame around the world. He was heralded as the hero that finally got rid of the global threat...known as Celica A. Mercury.


	2. Letter B

**Warning/Disclaimer: This is a Crack-Fanfiction.**

 **This means that this contains off-the-wall humour that is not meant to make for a serious plot in any way at the expense of a character or characters. The writer emphasises that this Fanfiction is for comedy and entertainment purposes only.**

 **With this in mind, it's also important that this also means that with the nature of parody/crack Fanfictions, it'll contain a complete and utter disregard of faithfulness towards the characters in question as well as others that may take part at having fun at the expense of said characters.**

 **That being said, the writer means no ill-will towards the creators of the target characters, the characters themselves, or the people who like the character in question.**

 **One final warning is that people who like the characters in question should click off the story as it is their final chance to do so.**

 **From this point forward, anybody who calls out the writer even after taking the time to see this warning will not have their feedback taken seriously, and therefore, is liable to be screenshotted for their audience's amusement.**

 **With no further delay, thank you for your patience, and the author hopes you'll enjoy the jokes at face value.**

* * *

 **B – Boobs**

Celica was just skipping along. It always seems to start off with girls skipping along like a fucking bimbo and whistling out their vagina, right? But guess what? Women can be the scariest creatures ever. Would you like to know how? They can fight with their eyes, they can swing moods in the blink of an eye, and MOST SCARY OF ALL...

They compete with their breasts!

No, seriously, when it comes to breasts, women compete to see who has the most superior and biggest looking breasts in the history of womankind! It's every girl's dream to have the biggest breasts to show off and be attractive to men.

However... This one woman was an exception among women. She is wanted by other women, but not for the reasons you may be thinking. Women are out to get her, and to, get this, STEAL her breasts. Yes, that's right. They want to fucking steal this woman's breasts.

I mean, literally, they want to cut this particular woman open and steal her breasts for themselves.

Rumor has it...that this particular woman is perfect! How can you improve upon perfection and how would you not want perfection, ladies? So you can guess as to why this woman is so sought out by other women, especially for her breasts.

Now, I bet you're wondering, "Who the fuck is this woman? Say her name, already!"

Alright, I'll tell you. Her name is Celica A. Mercury.

So here we are in a generic pathway through a forest. Like I said in the beginning, she was just skipping along, minding her own business when suddenly...

A petite vampire appeared right in front of Celica, stopping her dead in her tracks.

"Who are you?" Asked the ditsy Celica.

"That is not important," The vampire said very coldly, "I will not tell you, but I am Rachel Alucard, and I heard rumours that the legendary breast milk lies in you. It is said that this breast milk makes you immune to all diseases and illnesses. I will obtain this milk from you, and then I'll feed it to myself."

"Wha?!" Celica exclaimed, "Can I just say that I'm, like, so confused on so many different levels right now?"

"Good-bye. I shall enjoy this."

"What?!"

The vampire wasted no time. She threw a stiletto at Celica straight at her head. As soon as it hit her head, BOOM! SHE DIED! OH MY GOD, SHE DIED! CELICA A. MERCURY DIED! HOLY SHIT ON A DICK!

Celica fell backwards dead on her back so that her front side was facing upward.

Rachel Alucard summoned a giant straw. She injected the giant sized straw on her left breast, "Finally. The legendary breast milk will be mine,"

With the giant straw injected with precision into Celica's left nipple on her breast, Rachel Alucard took an elegant sip of the straw and soon, the breast milk was going into her mouth...

But when it finally reached her taste buds...

 **SPLAT!**

The vampire spat the milk back out.

"What preposterous, outrageous lies! This breast milk is actually detestable! The rumors turned out to be false! This is actually just cooking oil, if I'm not mistaken! ...Cooking oil? Hmm..."

Noel Vermillion was just walking down the street when suddenly, a petite vampire appeared right in front of her. Unlike Celica, Noel immediately recognised her, "Oh, hi, Miss Rachel! WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING?!"

What she was holding was a direct cutout of Celica's breasts, "This is a pair of breasts obtained by she-who-shall-not-be-named. She was supposed to have had legendary breast milk that would make you live a healthy life for eternity, but alas. People are quick to overhype her character. So, I took it upon myself to cut her open and remove her breasts myself,"

"Eww!" Noel jumped backwards, "You did that?! I can see blood dripping onto the ground! That's just gross!"

"...Indeed. But I came here offering a proposal to you, Noel."

The blonde scratched her head, "Okay? What would that be, Miss Rachel?"

Makoto Nanaya was just walking down the sidewalk of Kagutsuchi when suddenly, a petite vampire and a blonde girl appeared right in front of her. Unlike Celica, or Noel, Makoto was genuinely surprised to see two familiars together like this. It was a rare sight.

However, Makoto wouldn't be able to greet her friends, as her eyes widened to see...

"WHAT THE?!" The squirrel yelled out loud, "OH MY GOD, NOEL! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!"

Noel devilishly grinned and then gave the middle finger to her best friend, "HA, HA, HA, HA! Take a good look, BITCH! Thanks to the magic of Rachel Alucard, I have now obtained what I always wanted! BIGGER BREASTS THAN YOURS! No longer will I be compared to cutting boards and be called flatness! I WILL FIANLLY GAIN THE FUCKING RESPECT I DESERVE!"

Makoto's face went white. She had never heard her friend drop the F-bomb before. "I-I-I-I..."

Noel gave some more evil laughter, "Take that, Makoto, you sub-human whore! Thanks to this, I am now the most powerful woman in the universe-ACK!"

Suddenly, Noel collapsed on the ground herself.

Makoto immediately went to the aide of her friend to find a needle injected into her neck. She found that that Noel died from a lethal injection.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" The squirrel Beastkin said to the vampire.

The vampire yawned, "Oh, your friend is dead. She managed to get injected with a dose of Celica's breast milk. It turns out that a woman injected by anything involving Celica becomes quite a bitch but dies shorty afterwards. I was wondering how it would affect Noel. Poor girl. At least she was able to live the dream for a few moments..."

A fire came into the Beastkin's eyes, "TELL ME HOW TO AVENGE HER! RIGHT NOW!"

"Hmm..."

Rachel and Makoto teleported back to the location where Celica's dead body was.

The vampire pointed at the body, "There. That is the cause of her death. She's the one responsible,"

Makoto roared to the heavens, and proceeded to beat the shit out of Celica's corpse, until it became a bloodied, mangled mess.

Okay, rabbit, I'm done narrating this story! Can I please go back to killing NOL people now?!


End file.
